All Alone
by growingintoFaith
Summary: A little bit of AU. Leah's dad has just died and everyone is over their house to attend his memorial. This includes Charlie's daughter Bella Swan that Leah's heard a lot about. LeahxBella


Sometimes I think that I am stupid to believe that I don't need anyone in this world. But that is the way that I am.

"Headstrong, tough talking, and hard hitting Leah."

My mother used to tell me that I wasn't a girl. To this day she still jokes that she doesn't have a daughter. Instead she says that she has two sons, because no daughter behaves like I do. I don't wear dresses or skirts. And I play and fight just as hard as all the tough guys here on the Rez. But being tough doesn't mean that I am stone.

My dad was the only one that still called me "his girl". But he always treated me like a son. He taught me how to fish, hunt, fight, and talk tough. He taught me so much that I don't know if I'll remember it all now that he is gone.

I think about these things as I watch people come inside of my family's small home. My baby brother Seth, my mom, and I are all standing near a small table. Mom set up the table up with all of the best pictures we have of Dad. And people come to look at the photos and they say things like, "I'm sorry for your loss". They also give Mom plates of food wrapped in foil. I think that people think that giving us food will help ease our pain. But it won't.

"Leah," My mother hisses in my ear after another person has just left us with plates of food. "Take these down to the freezer in the basement. I know that there isn't anymore room in the fridge," She whispers and shoves the plates into my hands. There are about six or seven of them.

"If we get anymore our home'll look like a soup kitchen," I mumble. My mother glares at me, but my little brother, Seth, laughs for the first time today. I feel good for being the one to make him laugh, because he hasn't smiled once since Dad died.

I know that it is okay to be sad, but for some reason I keep feeling like Dad would want his memorial to go a little differently than all of this food giving and whispering in our cramped house. He would want everyone out fishing instead of sitting around moping. But I won't tell Mom that. I've been biting my tongue all day. This gathering of people in our home is part of her way of remembering Dad.

I leave my brother and mother to take the plates of food down to the freezer. And I stare straight ahead as I go. I know everyone is watching me. But I ignore them. I don't need their pity. However, there are those that don't take the social cues and just feel the need to try to reach out. This comes in the form two of my father's very good friends, Billy Black and Charlie Swan. As I am walking through the living room, Billy Black sees me coming and maneuvers his wheel chair so that there is no way that I can go past him without speaking. Charlie Swan is standing behind him along with Billy's gawky teenage son, Jacob. And in between Jacob and Charlie is this really pale white chick with long brown hair. She is holding onto Charlie's arm tightly. I don't really know who she is, but I put two and two together to make sense that she is the famed Bella Swan...Charlie's long lost daughter that everyone was raving about ever since she decided to live with her father again. For a long time all I heard out of the Black's mouths was about Charlie's amazing daughter, Bella. I can see that she isn't what I expected. She looks like Charlie with the brown hair and all, but I thought she'd resemble Brittany Spears since she came from a sunny place like Phoenix. This girl looks like she's never seen the sun and has lived in Forks, Washington all her life. That's how pale she is.

I know that Billy is going to force me to make conversation. So, I stop in the middle of the living room instead of walking around him and his posse.

"Hello, Leah," He says to me.

I don't force a smile or even try to fake pleasantries. "Hi, Billy," Is all that I say.

Charlie, Jacob, and Billy aren't phased by my tone of voice. They are either used to me or have heard about how I can be from my father. Who, unlike Bella Swan's dad, didn't pretend that I was some majestic angel.

"How are you holding up?" Billy asks.

I shrug my shoulders while still trying to keep hold of the plates in my hands. "I'm fine," I say in a tight tone.

Billy nods his head and gives me this small smile. It makes me sick. Because I know that he doesn't expect me to throw my arms around him and sob about how I miss my dad. He knows that isn't me.

Charlie, who has always been gruff, awkward, and reserved for as long as I can remember just nods his head at me. "I'm sorry about your loss, Leah. Your father was-" He says but he doesn't finish because his voice cracks. He clears his throat and stares at the ground. He's trying not to cry. But I know what he means.

"Yeah, I'm sorry about your dad, Leah," Jacob pipes up. I just look at him. I don't really like the kid personally. I used to beat him up all the time when we were younger. But for some reason I think that he is genuine about his statement. Because I realize that Jacob somewhat knows what it is like to not have one of his parents.

The next person, naturally as these things go, to offer their sympathy is Charlie's daughter Bella. She looks down in embarrassment. Like her father, social cues and awkwardness seem to make up her personality.

Finally, after a minute too late than normal, her brown eyes meet mine and she says, "I'm sorry about your Dad,".

I roll my eyes in my head because she's said the exact same thing that everyone else says.

But then she adds, "I didn't know him, but he was Char- Dad's best friend. And I know that he must have been a really great guy if he could put up with the Chief ".

For some reason, Bella's comment gets Jacob, Billy, and Charlie to laugh. I watch as she looks up at her father, who smiles at her with a sad smile and puts his arm around her. This image of father and daughter makes me want to scream.

"Yeah, he was," I reply shortly, "Thanks for your sympathies,"

I pray that this is enough to excuse myself from the conversation, but Billy speaks up.

"You taking all of that down to the freezer?" He asks me and nods toward the plates I am holding in my hands.

"Yeah," I say.

"Why don't you get Bella to help you with some of that?" He suggests.

Immediately I am about to say, "No". But before I can, Jacob snorts.

"And what? Have Bella drop it all on the floor?" Jacob asks incredulously.

I look at Bella and see her cheeks are flushed pink.

"I can help her," She says and before I can stop her she's let go of her father's arm and is wobbling towards me. The black dress that she is wearing looks very expensive, but also very constricting to her body. The heels that she has on are not helping her move either. It takes her at least five long seconds just to take two steps forward. And the whole time, Charlie has his arms out like his daughter is a one year old that's just learning to take her first steps. Meanwhile, Jacob is laughing under his breath as all of us watch Bella struggle to walk. She reaches my side finally. And she looks so determined to help me that I don't know what to do other than to hand her some of plates of food reluctantly.

Soon we are walking with me leading the way by a few steps. I don't really wait for Bella to keep up with me. I walk into the small hallway that leads away from the living room and I go past my bedroom door as well as Seth's. Finally, I reach the door to the basement. I put my plates down to open the door. And by the time that I am finished, Bella Swan has finally caught up with me in her expensive dress and heels. She looks like she is out of breath and like she might fall over at any time. But I don't give her another glance as I pick my plates, switch on the light, and tentatively walk down the steps.

"Watch your step," I call out gruffly without looking behind me.

I realize that I don't hear the sound of a second pair of feet following. So I look over my shoulder. I can see her still standing at the the top of the steps. She's holding her plates awkwardly and staring at me with a embarrassed look on her face.

"Are you coming?" I ask, but the way that I say it makes it sound like a command instead.

"I think Jacob was right," The Bella girl says.

"What?" I ask.

"Jacob is right. I don't know if I'll be much help to you," The Bella girl says with her cheeks turning red, "These steps are kind of steep. I might trip and drop all of the plates...especially in these shoes".

I let out a deep, aggravated sigh and roll my eyes. I can't believe this girl is acting like such a...a...girl.

"I'm sorry," I hear Bella say, "My friend Alice loaned me this outfit. I don't really know how to walk in these shoes...and I can't really move in this dress,".

I look up at her again with a annoyed expression on my face. But something in the back of my head is telling me to give this girl a break. She genuinely wanted to help me carry these plates down to the freezer. But the annoyed part of me wants to berate her for even offering to help. I knew I could have done this by myself. But why? Why am I so willing to push people away when all they want to do is help? People like my mom, Billy, and Charlie. All they are trying to do is help me get over my dad dying by offering their help and support. But I keep pushing them away, because I am tough. I don't need anyone else.

I sigh and walk back up the steps so that I am near Bella. "Here, I'll take the rest," I tell her, "Thanks for carrying them this far". I force myself to mutter the last part. I have to make her feel good about something.

She blushes once again and gives over her plates to place on top of the ones already in my hands. I make my way back down the steps. Soon, I am at the bottom of the basement. I walk over to the freezer and place the plates down on the floor so I can open it. As I do, I see the frozen fish from my dad's last fishing trip. I force myself to put the plates on top of Dad's last big catch. And once I close the freezer, I can't help but look around the basement. Dad's fishing gear is there like always.

"I can't believe you're gone," I whisper. And for a moment I do believe that he's standing right there and can hear me. And that's when I start to cry.

"Leah?" I hear someone call from the top of the basement.

I stop crying immediately. It sounds like that damn Bella girl. But I thought that she was gone. I wipe my tears away and pull myself together. "What?" I bark and I am proud that my voice still has the same malice that it always does. But the Bella girl doesn't say anything else. I walk up the steps and see her sitting near the top. She must have waited for me. Her eyes meet mine, but I'm near the light switch. I flip it off immediately. "Come on," I tell her in the darkness. And I don't even try to wait to see if she's moved or not. Because I know that she knows that I am weak. That I am not tough. Even though I'm trying so hard to be.

Once Bella and I are back in the hallway, I slam the basement door back shut and brush past her.

"Leah, wait," Bella calls out.

For some reason I turn around to wait and watch as she tries to catch up with me. And I notice for the second time how ridiculous she looks clumping in those high heels and trying to walk in that black dress that looks like it costs more than my whole home.

When Bella catches up with me, she seems frustrated that she can't figure out how to walk in her outfit without having to work out a mathematical equation just to get her feet to move. Her face is flushed red and the poor girl is breaking out in sweat. I laugh at her.

When I finally stop laughing, I look at Bella. Who stares back at me with something of annoyance on her face. I smirk at her. I didn't think that Charlie's number one angel could ever get angry or pissed.

"Why did you even agree to step out of your house if you knew you could barely walk in that outfit?" I ask her in a condescending tone. I've never for the life of me understood girls that like to dress up in clothes that look like they are highly uncomfortable.

"Beauty is pain," Bella mumbles and I feel like she's quoting what someone must have told her.

"Come on," I tell Bella and turn my back to her, "I have something in my closest that is more comfortable that you can wear".

I head down the hallway towards my room instead of back to the living room. I open my bedroom door and wait for Bella to catch up before I step inside. Once were both in, I close the door behind us. Bella wobbles over towards the bed, but before she can get any further, she trips and falls. Hitting her knee against the wood of my bed.

"Shit!" I say and I hurry over to her.

She's in pain, but she has her eyes closed. Her whole face is cherry red and she's holding onto her knee.

"It's okay. It was bound to happen eventually," Bella says in this voice that makes me think that she's used to hurting herself.

"Yeah I guess so," I say.

I pry her hands off of her leg and stare at the spot on her knee that I know will eventually be a bruise. I'm suddenly thankful that she hadn't went down the basement steps with me. I can only imagine what Chief Swan would have done with himself if his daughter happened to die due to a freak accident as his best friend's memorial.

"You're pretty clumsy," I say.

Bella opens her eyes and looks at me. She's got that annoyed expression on her face again. The one that looks out of place since the stories I've heard of her make her sound like a perfect, plastic, smiling Barbie doll.

"Hey, let's not pick on the girl who's risking her life just to look good," She says. But she voices it sarcastically. I'm a little shocked. I never thought that Charlie's perfect daughter had feelings.

"Yeah, I guess I shouldn't," I say as I stare at her. I'm still holding her hands and I realize how soft they are. And how brown her eyes are. And how soft and gentle she looks.

I don't know where it comes from. But the air changes the moment I realize Bella Swan actually might not be a lifeless doll. I immediately stand up and pull my hands away. And the moment I do I realize that they are sweating. What is going on?

"Here. Just sit down there and I'll find you something more comfortable to wear," I say quickly.

"Yeah," Bella says from her spot on my bedroom floor, "I don't think I should try to get up. I might fall again".

I laugh at her as I walk over to my closest,"I've never fallen in here. I think it's just you," I tease.

I look through my clothes and see a pair of old dress pants that I had yet to give away and think that might fit Bella.

"Oh yeah, keep making fun of me," I hear Bella say.

"I will," I shoot back and see a black dress shirt that could easily be tucked in. Of course my outfit won't bring out Bella's womanly figure the way that the dress she has on does, but...Whoah. Where the hell am I going with this? And since when did I fall into the trap of Bella-lovers? I curse at myself. This is all just funny teenage hormones. At least I tell myself that as I turn back towards Bella and see her sitting there on my bedroom floor looking up at me with her chocolate brown eyes. She's a very attractive girl. A girl I used to wish I could look like when I was having difficulty accepting the fact that I was tan and stocky in a culture that promoted everything that wasn't Native.

"Here," I say and toss Bella the clothes to wear they fall on her head and cover her. I can hear her soft laughter.

She takes them off of her head and examines them. I suddenly feel very insecure. What would a girl like her, who probably shops at all the designer stores and has all the name brands, think of my shabby handmedowns? I am suddenly very conscious of my own outfit of a similar black dress pants, black flats, and a black dress shirt. I pull on my pony tail, something my parents know I do on the rare occasions I get nervous. Which usually happens when I am on the court, playing basketball for the Rez, and a official is having a tough time making a call on a play.

"Now these look a lot more comfortable," Bella says finally and she looks up at me with a smile.

I shrug my shoulders. Although I am secretly pleased that she doesn't mind wearing my clothes. And that she doesn't seem to be snotty and prissy like I imagined her to be.

Bella slowly stands up and and then looks down in embarrassment. I don't know what her problem is until she asks,"C-can I change right here?"

Suddenly I am embarrassed. For the first time in my life, I suddenly feel my own cheeks heat up and I pray to God that my face is too brown to show that I am blushing. I shrug my shoulders.

"I don't care," I say. Although I think that I really do. "There's only one bathroom and it's past the living room. You could take your chances and try to make it there, but I'm not sure if you can or not" I say in a teasing voice.

Bella laughs. "I could make it..." She says in this determined voice.

Her brown eyes look at me with stubbornness written all over her face. And I have this feeling that Bella Swan loves proving people wrong. And one part of me hopes that she really is going to walk out of my room and finally stop this screaming part inside of me...this part that is confusing the hell out of me...this part of me that REALLY wants to see Bella Swan take off that dress.

"...But I think changing right here might be faster," She finishes.

I try to keep the expression of shock and the eerie amount of excitement that I feel off of my face.

"Okay, well, hurry up," I say in a nonchalant voice, "My mom's probably wondering where I am so I can put more food in the freezer".

Bella laughs even though I know what I said is probably true. I walk over to my bed and sit down on it. Bella turns to look at me and another blush creeps onto her face. I don't think she expected me to stay in the room. Which makes me even more confused and embarrassed that I am staying. Isn't it normal for girls to change in front of each other? But I haven't had any real girls as friends that I am not sure if it is okay to stay in the room while another girl changes.

"Well. Go ahead," I snap at Bella.

She still has a red face as she unstraps her heels. And takes them off. The same weird air that I felt earlier is now back as I watch Bella Swan start to pull her the straps on her black dress down. My heart is beating very fast again and my hands are sweating like crazy as I watch her. And in the back of my mind I pray that Bella Swan doesn't know what I am going through. I pray that she doesn't know this weird way that I am feeling.

And suddenly...out of nowhere I just wish that my dad was alive so that all these people wouldn't be in our house, so that I wouldn't have had to put food in the basement freezer where only Dad's fish is supposed to go, and I wouldn't have had a breakdown near his fishing poles, and I wouldn't be feeling completely out of my mind and confused on why I really want to see Bella Swan in her bra and panties.

"Leah?" Bella says my name.

I look at her and see that she has her back towards me. She looks over her shoulder at me with her deep brown eyes and gives me an embarrassed smile.

"Can you unzip me? I can't get it myself...and I kind of need to unzip it to have any chance of getting this dress off," She says.

And immediately I'm thinking that she's making some sexual pass at me. I guess I've spent so much of my time around boys...especially since that I'm the only girl on the Rez's football team...that now I'm thinking like them.

I wish that I had spent more time with my mom in order to know if this is what girls do. Do they unzip each other's dresses without it being considered sexual? But as I'm thinking about it, I stand up and brush Bella's long brown hair to the side and off of her neck. I unzip her dress, and as I do I am treated to her creamy white skin. And the further I go, I am greeted to the back of her black bra. And the more further I go, I can see the dip of her spine. My hands are shaking by the time I finish and I pray that Bella hasn't noticed. I sit back down on my bed and try to stop my hands from trembling.

I watch as Bella keeps her back to me and her dress drops to her feet. I don't say anything, but I feel like I might grab her and place her on top of me. Bella turns around, and I see that she has a very beautiful, petite body. Her bra and panties are both black and are very fitting for her small frame.

I stare at other parts of Bella's body as quickly as I can because she is reaching for the shirt and pants I gave her. And I want to I admire her before everything is covered up. I stare at her stomach, her belly button, and her neck. Her neck! And that's when I notice the bite mark that is there.

"Wow, now I know you're really a clutz if you somehow manage to get a bruise on your neck," I say and I don't even try to fight the disappointment and dryness in my voice. I watch as Bella's hand drops my shirt and immediately goes over the spot on her neck that I am talking about. Her face is even redder than when she bruised her knee. That's when I know that the bite mark isn't a bruise that she gave herself...but something that someone else gave her.

"Jacob give that to you?" I tease.

"What? Jacob? No!" Bella nearly shouts. And I can't help it. I laugh at how easy it is to rile her up.

Bella realizes that she's taken my bait. She blushes and takes her hand off her hickey. She picks up my shirt again.

"I didn't get this from Jacob Black," She says to me.

I roll my eyes.

"Surrreee," I tease.

She takes my shirt and slaps me over the head with it. But I take hold of it suddenly while Bella holds onto the other end.

"It's okay. I won't tell Charlie that you and Billy Black's son are secretly necking in the woods whenever you visit the Rez" I say as I pull the shirt towards me without much effort. Bella almost falls onto the bed and onto me, but I don't pull her that hard or that far. I've learned enough about her in this past half hour to know she's fragile.

"Necking?! Necking?! Seriously? I'm not necking or doing anything with Jacob Black!" Bella argues and gives a exasperated laugh of disbelief. She pulls the shirt towards her, but I don't let her have it. I am not letting her take this shirt from me unless she gives me some real answers on who gave her that love bite on her neck. Although I don't know why I want to know.

"Who gave you that then?" I ask in a teasing voice, "Some boyfriend in Forks?".

I pull the shirt and her towards me again. I realize how silly this is. Bella standing in my bedroom, playing a battle of tug and war in nothing but her bra and panties. And over a shirt at that. But I think I'm enjoying this, and I think she is too because she laughs.

"Yes, I have a boyfriend in Forks," Bella says and she gives a pull on the shirt. I can tell she's really trying to take it back away from me, because her eyebrows knit together.

A boyfriend. She has a boyfriend.

"What's his name?" I ask dryly, but I'm relying on the light mood to cover for how I really feel right now. I don't even try to pull her the shirt back towards me this time.

And Bella suddenly gives up the our battle, too. She let's go of the shirt. She looks like she's really broken a sweat, because she lets out a deep breath along with a laugh.

"Edward," She says in this very airy, love struck voice. I'm sure it's natural for one girl to tell another girl the name of her boyfriend. But I wish that I could take the name that Bella just said while it is still hanging in the air and break it into pieces. Just so I can have a chance. Just so she can say my name like that.

But what is wrong with me? This is the first time I've ever found myself attracted to a girl or anyone for that matter. And already for the first time that I've met them, I'm feeling jealousy and sadness.

I sit there on the bed with the shirt balled up in my hands. I stare down at it and wish that Bella was holding onto the other end again. Just so I could pull her towards me and feel what it is like to have her pressed up against me.

Hormones. Hormones. Hormones. I have to remind myself that this is only hormones. That is the only reason to explain why I, Leah Clearwater, suddenly feel attracted to a girl who's name I used to hate hearing being brought up by my parents at dinner time. Bella this. And Charlie's daughter Bella that. It made me sick. But now. Only meeting her for the first time...I might be...in love with her? Is that what this is?

"Do you have a boyfriend?" Bella asks.

I look up at her in shock. I almost want to burst out laughing. Do I have a boyfriend? I want to ask her if she notices the way that I have been looking at her this whole time. I want to ask her if she notices how sweaty my hands are or how I've been trying to avoid staring down below her waist because it might send me into a frenzie. But I know that this is a normal question that girls usually ask other girls. Right? At least I think it is. Like I said...I've never had very many girls as friends. Except for my cousin, Emily. But I've never looked at Emily the way that I've been looking at Bella.

"Nope," I say as I lay back on my bed and toss my shirt up in the air like its a basketball or football.

"Oh," Bella says and she sounds a little disappointed. I guess she's sad that she can't discuss all the things two girls who both have boyfriends like to discuss with one another.

"Do you like any boys here on the Rez?" Bella asks me.

I make a disgusted sound in the back of my throat and sit up to look at Bella. I stare at her like she's crazy.

She blushes and laughs. "What?" She asks.

"I'll never date someone from this Rez. They're all either full of themselves or related to me," I say.

Bella laughs. Then I see her eye something across my room. It's my basketball trophies, football awards, pictures, and the newspaper clippings hanging on my wall. They are both testaments to my achievements in sports and how I am the first Native girl, and the only girl to ever lead her team to tenth place in a national football championship. It was a big deal for awhile here at the Rez. Dad was still alive then, and he had been the one on the Tribal Council that fought for the right to let me play on the Rez's football team in the first place.

I watch as Bella stares at all of my things. Her eyes linger on one picture that is on my wall. It is of me, my dad, and this guy from the Rez named Sam. My dad adored Sam and I'll admit that he was like a brother to me. But he left the Rez recently and hasn't contacted anyone in a long time. I don't even think he knows that my dad is dead. Then I see Bella stare at a picture of a younger me and a younger Jacob Black.

"I don't know," Bella says as she throws me a look, "Jacob's pretty sexy".

She's teasing me. I know it so I laugh.

"Whatever," I say with a roll of my eyes.

Bella looks at me again. "Can I have the shirt back?" She asks.

"I don't know," I say, "I don't think I should give it back to you since you assaulted me with it".

Bella laughs. "I didn't assault you. I tackled you. Aren't you a basketball player? You should know the difference between a tackle and..." She says and I wait for her to finish because she obviously knows that her turn at trying to be witty is backfiring. She blushes and I burst out laughing.

"A tackle?" I ask her incredulously through chuckles.

She blushes even more. "You know what I mean," She says and ducks her head. And I think to myself that she is so...undeniably cute.

"Now I'm really not giving you my shirt back," I say to her, "You are a shame to women everywhere".

Bella laughs and reaches for the shirt, but I pull back. I imagine that this must all be sisterly like teasing, but in my mind there is something more to this than just playing a game of keep away. Because every time I pull back, I get the pleasure of watching Bella move forward and seeing the top of her breasts bounce as they are kept together by her bra.

"Come on, Leah," Bella pleads as she tries again to reach for the shirt, but I pull away again. I hold it away as she tries to reach for it. I lean farther back on my bed as she continues to try to wrestle the shirt out of my hands. And suddenly her body is right on top of mine. But it is taken away after she manages to claw claw the shirt out of my hands. She rolls over to my side and lays on her back.

"Yes!" She says and waves the shirt in the air.

But before she can sit back up, I get roll on top of her and I let my whole body stay there. I try to take the shirt away again, but Bella continues to fight me off. My face is hovering over her's and we are both breathing hard and laughing.

In the back of my mind I know that the door is closed. And I am very aware of the position that we are in. And I know that I've a chance to do what I think I've wanted to do ever since I closed that door. I press my lips against Bella's. Her lips are soft and warm. And my body is on fire. I've never kissed anyone before. So I can feel every part of me jumping up and down for joy. My head literally feels like it might fall off my shoulders and my hands are sweating and shaking. I finally lift myself up and break the kiss. I stare at Bella and see that she's looking at me in a weird way. Her face is completely a ghostly white and she looks shocked.

I now know that I have definitely crossed the lines between us being becoming good girlfriends and me wanting her to be my girlfriend. And suddenly I am very scared. I begin to think about what she will do now that I have kissed her out of nowhere. Will she scream and cause everyone that is in the living room to rush into my room? I know that I didn't lock the door. What will happen when my mom finds out that I'm in here kissing while my dad's memorial is going on? What will happen when she finds out that I've kissed a girl at that? What will she do? I've never thought about how homosexuality is viewed here on the Rez. Will I be kicked off the basketball team? Will Bella's dad and the other Rez guys try to beat me up for trying to force myself on his innocent Bella? I am immediately jump off of the bed.

All of these thoughts that I should have thought of before I even allowed myself to kiss a girl that I've just met...instantly tryst through my mind.

"I'm sorry!" I say to her quickly and I keep repeating it over and over again.

I watch as Bella lifts herself up into a sitting position on the bed. She looks dazed and confused. And I suddenly wonder if she really is going to scream or try to attack me for forcing her into a lesbian kiss.

Tears start to build in my eyes. Because I don't know what is wrong with me. I just wish that my dad was here to explain it all to me and tell me that I'll be okay. But that is selfish coming from a girl that just had her first kiss at her dad's memorial.

"Leah," Bella says my name. She stands up off of the bed and walks over to me. I don't know what she is going to do. Slap me or punch me. Either one I deserve. But instead she crosses her arms.

A wall. A shield. It is worse than a slap or a punch to the face. That cross of her arms means that all of the feelings I've built up for Bella in this past hour and the kiss that I just gave her...it is all unrequited.

"It's fine. Let's just..." She fumbles for her words and her eyes meet the ground, "I didn't know you like squirrels."

At least that last part is what I think I hear her say, because she mumbles it.

"What?" I ask her.

Bella looks up at me and her face is red once again. "I didn't know you liked girls. Otherwise I would have just...changed in the bathroom..." She said.

I feel like I've just been punched in the face. Even though I shouldn't. So I'm that girl now. The big scary dike that every girl has to be afraid of when they go into the locker room. I guess I should accept it seeing as though I've learned something new about myself. The fact that I might be attracted to girls. This changes things a lot for when I go back to school. I'll be the fatherless lesbian. But I have to accept both of those adjectives.

It's my turn to look down at the floor. "No. I'm sorry I jumped on you," I say. I look at Bella and pull on my pony tail.

Bella blushes and looks away.

"It's fine," She says and I watch as she quickly gathers the shirt that is on the bed and pulls it over her head.

Then she pulls the pants that were on the floor up and over her legs and waist. What seemed to take so long at first has just been finished in ten seconds. I realize now that the right mood can make you feel like you are living in eternity. I walk over to my closet and open it up to fish out a pair of flats for Bella to wear. I hand them to her, but she doesn't even meet my eyes. I suddenly realize that this is how it will be. I watch as she folds her dress and then throws it across her arm. She grabs those heels that she could barely walk in and slips on my flats.

"Thanks," She says quietly. And before she leaves my room, she looks up at me with her brown eyes and says, "And again I'm sorry about your dad".

She shuts the door on the way out.

Sometimes I think that I am stupid to believe that I don't need anyone in this world. But that is the way that I am.


End file.
